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JOKES BY
AMANDA JAYNE
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IF YOU HAVE A JOKE SEND IT TO ME
Mike@cornish45.freeserve.co.uk
PLEASE WAIT FOR APPLET TO LOAD
--------------- HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN --------------------
Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss Her
Caress Her
Love Her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Buy things for her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her .....
--------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN ----------------
Show up naked
Bring beer
-------------
DEMERIT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN ---------------
For all you guys who just cant fugure it out,here it is.In the
world of romance,one simple rule applies: Make Women happy. Do
something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and points get subtracted.You dont get any points for doing
something she expects .....
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the
point system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed ........ + 1
You make the bed,but forget to add decorative pillows ......... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ........ - 1
You leave the toilet seat up ......... - 5
You replace the toilet- paper roll when it's empty .......... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren,you resort to Kleenex
......... - 1
When the Kleenex roll runs out,you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom ........ - 2
You check out a suspicious noise at night ............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing .......... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ............
+ 5
You pummel it with a six iron ...................... + 10
It's her Father ................... - 10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party ........... 0
You stay by her side for a while,then leave to chat to a college
drinking buddy ........... - 2
Named Tiffany .......... - 4
Tiffany is a dancer .......... - 6
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner ................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar .......... +
1
Ok, it's a sports bar ............ - 2
And it's all-you-can-eat-night ............. - 3
It's a sports bar,it's all-you-can-eat-night and your face is
painted the colours of your favorite team .......... - 10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely ................. - 20
You forget your anniversary ........... - 30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station ......... - 45
Which is 50 miles away .............. - 50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ........... - 60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ................ - 5
And the pal is happily married ........... - 4
Or frighteningly single ............ - 7
And drives a Mustang ............. - 10
With a personalized license plate ( GR8 N BED ) ....... - 15
You have a few beers ........... - 9
And miss curfew by an hour ............... - 12
You miss curfew by an hour & didn't call ............. - 20
You get home at 3 am .................. - 30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ....... -
40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work ........ + 5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and comes home real
late .......... + 10
You wait up .......... + 15
She goes out, comes home late and you put her to bed ...........
+ 20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie ........... + 2
You take her to a movie she likes ........... + 4
You take her to a movie you hate ............ + 6
You take her to a movie you like ........... - 2
It's called Deathcop 3 ................. - 3
You lied and said it was a foriegn about orphans ............. -
15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected ............ 0
You buy her flowers as a suprise, just for the hell of it
............. + 20
You giver her wild flowers you've actually picked yourself
............ + 30
And she contracts Lyme disease .................... - 25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly ............ - 15
You develop a noticeable potbelly & exercise to get rid of it
........... + 10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts ........... - 30
You say " I dont give a damn because you have one too "
............ - 800
Finances
You spend alot of money on something impractical ........... - 5
Something she cant use ................ - 10
Such as a motorized model airplane ............... - 20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday .......... - 40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip ............ - 4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost .............. -
10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ............... -
15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal ........... - 25
You know them ................ - 60
The Big Question
She asks, " Do i look fat?" ............. - 5
( Sensitive questions always start with a deficit )
You hesitate in responding ............... - 10
You reply "Where?" ............... - 35
Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression
................ 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes
................... + 5
You listen for over 30 minutes without looking at the TV
............. + 10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep
................ - 20
------------------
GROWING PAINS -----------------------
A teacher is reviewing
her class' homework assignment.She asks Susie to stand up and
tell the class which part of the human body enlarges to seven
times it original size when stimulated.Susie stands up, shuffles
her feet and says, "Well, i think i know, but i'm to
embarassed to tell you" The teacher says, " Sit Down
Susie" Johnny, tell the class which part of the human body
enlarges to seven times it's size when stimulated." Johnny
says, " Thats easy, the pupil of the eye enlarges to seven
times it's size when stimulated by light." The teacher says,
"Thats right Johnny, then she turns to Susie and says,
"Susie, first off all you didn't do your homework.Second,
you have a dirty mind.And third, when you get married, you're in
for one big disappointment."
----------------
On Marriage: One-Liners -----------------------
My Wife dressed to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for the Jury.
-- George Burns
I bought my wife a new car.She called and said," There was
water in the carburetor. I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake"
-- Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman