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COMPUTER JOKES
Internet Overload
YOU KNOW
YOUR IN TROUBLE WHEN:
1.You actually wore a blue
ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
2.You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
3.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
4.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
5.You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
6.You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.
7.You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
8.You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
9.All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
10.And even your night dreams are in HTML.
11.You find yourself typing "com" after every period
when using a word processor.com
12.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
13.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
14.You start introducing yourself as "hfxg@talstar.com"
15.Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've
never had heart problems before.
16.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
17.You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
18.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
19.All of your friends have an @ in their names.
20.When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice
all of them are already highlighted in purple.
21.Your dog has its own home page.
22.You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're
halfway through Lycos.
23.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
24.You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
25.You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts
illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor.
26.You check your e-mail. It says "no new messages." So
you check it again....and again.
27.You refer to your age as 2.x
28.You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net
and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
29.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
30.Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS
on your favorite IRC channel.
31.You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the
URL.
32.You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends
are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered
to ask.
33.You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
34.You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
35.Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
36.You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
games.
37.You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
38.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
39.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
40.You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
41.You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
42.Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a
larger bandwidth.
43.You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
44.Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to
your IRC channel.
45.You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and
mouse.
46.Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to
bed."
47.You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
engines useless.
48.You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher."
49.You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
50.The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
51.You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't
see it while you are pretending to catch your breath.
52.You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet.
53.You forget what year it is.
54.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
55.You ask your doctor to implant a gigabyte in your brain.
56.You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack
for"surfing the net".
57.You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
58.You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
59.Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so
you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the
two of you can chat.
60.As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
61.You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
62.Every single time you press the 'Get mail' button...it does
get new mail.
63.You press it again, and again, and new mail keeps arriving.
64.You start using smileys in your snail mail.
65.The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
66.The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in
what seems like only a few seconds later, your sister runs past
you to catch her 7am school bus.
67.You create a homepage with the impression to cure the
afflicted...but your hidden agenda is to receive more e-mail.
68.Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your
ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the
modem. You succeed.
69.You start to wonder if Bill Gates is our father and your
supposed "parents" were keeping him away from you due
to a inconspicuous CD ROM sex scandal.
70.Your cat always viruses your dogs homepage
71.Your blood is 17% Java
72.Yahoo welcoms you with your own start page
73.ISDN lines are added to your house on a hourly basis
74.Your sex life is dominated by what your dog feels like
limiting you to with cyber watch
75.You wonder how people walk
76.Somebody at IRC just mentioned a way to obtain full motion
video without a PC using a wireless protocol called PAL, you
wonder how you never heard about it
77.You give your dog used motherboards instead of bones
78.Your most erotic dreams are about cybersex
79.You start wondering whether you could actually upgrade your
brain with a Pentium Pro microprocessor 800.The upgrade works
just fine.
81.Your ISP regards you as a business partner rather than as a
customer
82.The phone company asks you to test drive their new PBX system
83.You find yourself dialing IP numbers on the phone.
* Wife Version 1.0 Bugs *
DISCRETION ADVISED WHEN UPGRADING!
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, NudieBar 2.5, and StagParty 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when launched (even though these apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: - A "Don't Remind me Again" button. - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option of uninstalling at any time without loss of Cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing bug that I should have been aware of.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks is that all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
****** BUG WARNING *********** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink or Interlink) between the two systems. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of viruses that can be inadvertently downloaded from Usenet.
* You might be a High-tech Redneck if... *
Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com".
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
Your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT".
You wire your network with jumper cables.
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
Your deer rifle has laser-guided bullets.
Your wife said that either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".
* MS SOFTWARE INSTALLING *
1. Examine the software
packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what
kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should
look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS: 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5" floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 to 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 to 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: | YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately $%@&*$!#$*&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the EEC government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
* Why the Internet Is Like a Penis *
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda.
Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
* Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer *
10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9) It's celebrity spokesman is O.J. Simpson.
8) In order to start, you need jumper cables to your car.
7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5) Whenever you turn it on, the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4) The opening screen displays the message, "DANGER...DO NOT....."
3) The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
* Guide to safe fax *
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax to myself, will I go blind? A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on my street where you can go and pay to fax someone. Is this legal? A. YES! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a PROFESSIONAL when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. I fax quite often...Should I use a cover? A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly fax and/or fax prematurely? A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed for a long time. Just start over. Most fax partners won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a business and a personal fax. Can transmissions become mixed up? A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover each time you fax, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.